Updated: Mar 10, 2020
A reflection of my former state of mind. Journal Entry November 18, 2012.
“My identity as a woman is my image, made up of my body, my personality, my face, my appearance. My lifelong friends and I are about to celebrate our 50th year on a cruise and I have defined the following goals to achieve before we depart:
Cross my legs
Tie my shoes without a struggle
Fit in my suits
Wear a pencil skirt
Wear that snakeskin dress I bought
Walk without losing my breath
Get my Blood Pressure under control
Get my cholesterol under control
Feel like I fit in on the cruise
I remember thinking “A cruise full of skinny women, great, all looking at me and my fat body.”
"I had been led to believe that my value, my worth, was defined by others and based on what I looked like to them."
That false premise completely disempowered me. Simply by paying attention to how I feel, embracing a desire to explore various ways to experience “fun”, and letting go of the conditions in my world that were out of my control, I have created a new experience for myself. This is what it feels like to be me today.
“I see myself walking down the street and feel the energy billowing off me in the wake of my path. It feels like peace signs, musical notes and butterflies cascading off my back, floating in the breeze, the result of my movement. They offer a light and airy feeling. I am so full of this beautiful feeling that it spills over the physical limitations of my body and oozes into the air. I feel my smile all the way up into my eyes. It feels like my vision, my view of the world, actually changed. Being fully present, I see everyday beauty as I choose to take note of what is around me. It feels like security, a knowing that I am fine, no ripple of doubt. I remember the relief I felt when I realized that I have a choice based on a new understanding. I can create the experiences that make up my world, simply by choosing what to think, based on how those thoughts make me feel. It allows a new mindset in how I see the world. No longer do I need any condition to feel the happiness I desire in each moment. I feel inspired. I feel powerful. I can feel the positive momentum of my life gaining force each day, simply by reaching for positive feelings.”